double "you're welcome" relationships

You go down to the grocery store and buy a gallon of milk.  The clerk says thank you.  You say thank you.  Perfectly reasonable.

You walk home from the store, milk in hand, and a vagrant asks if you can spare some change.  You hand him some money.  He says thank you.  You say you're welcome.  Again, perfectly reasonable.

You walk into your house just as your wife is stumbling sleepily into the kitchen.  She sees that you have milk in your hand.  She recognizes that there must not be any in the refrigerator and you knew that she would want some for breakfast and so you went to get it just for her. She says thank you.  You say I'm leaving you, you frivolous bitch.  Once again, perfectly reasonable.  Because she just revealed something about her character and your relationship.  Because she really should have said you're welcome.

What did you just say to me?
 
Sometimes you do things so that you and someone else will both benefit.  When this happens, you say you're welcome.  You bring your wife milk so that she will have milk, but also so that you will have a happy wife. You give the vagrant money so that he will have food and also so that you will have a clean conscience.


Sometimes you do things solely for your own benefit, but you need someone else's help.  when this happens, you say thank you.  The clerk wants a paycheck.  But he doesn't get paid unless you buy something, so he says thank you.  The vagrant wants some change.  But he can't get it unless you volunteer to give it to him, so he says thank you.  If the clerk or the vagrant says you're welcome, it's weird, because they aren't interested in the benefit to you.  They didn't do it for you.

Which brings us back to your thoughtlessly grateful wife.  when she says thank you, she is saying that she endures the burden of a nominally intimate relationship with you so that you will continue to provide her with economic benefit.  That is, that she is exclusively interested in the benefit to herself.  You are rightfully appalled by the sound of it.  When she says you're welcome, she is saying that for all the things that she is to you or does for you that inspires you to want to be or do for her, you are welcome for that.

Awe, you shouldn't have.

Imagine that you can't say thank you to your wife.  You've gone to couples counseling and your counselor tells you that you can only say you're welcome.  You know your wife is going to do something nice for you.  You know you're going to feel stupid saying you're welcome if you haven't done anything for her.  Imagine how thoughtful of a husband you might become, knowing that you would be unable to say thank you when your wife did something nice for you.  That is what intimate relationships should always be like: dedication to improvement of yourself as a partner. Now further imagine that you haven't done anything nice for her, and you can't bring yourself to say you're welcome, so you say thank you anyway.

Do you know what it sounds like?  It sounds like I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I take you for granted.  I'm sorry that I never consider you.  I'm sorry that I'm using you and lying to you and myself about it.

So just try it and see what happens.  just say you're welcome instead.  If it feels too weird, start being the most perfect partner you can imagine until you can justify it, and see if it doesn't feel like you should have been saying it all along.

you're welcome