acting like a child

When I was growing up, my parents didn't talk to me. They didn't ask me how I was feeling or what my opinions were. They didn't find me interesting. In my string of unsatisfying relationships, we had an unspoken agreement that I would sacrifice to listen to all of their boring stuff, and they would sacrifice to listen to all of mine. Even a long friendship I had with another guy was like that.  We were taking turns being each other's moms. I was trying to get from them the unearned attention you are supposed to be smothered with by your parents. This is clearly not what adult relationships are supposed to be like.

My parents did provide for my physical needs. They gave me food and water. But we didn't eat meals as a family. They gave me clothing. But they didn't teach me how to dress myself. They let me live in the house. But my step dad told me how badly he wanted to throw me out. We were poor and they had too many kids. He had already thrown my older sister out, and that made me the oldest kid in the house. I always felt like I was one uncleaned mess away from an ass kicking and final proof that my mother would always choose him over me. So I didn't go to them with my desires or my problems. I tried not to take any of their time, and I never asked for anything. I became as quiet and invisible as I could.

And I'm still doing that. I don't say hello to people at work, because I don't want them to feel obligated to notice me. I would never dream of asking for a raise, and I'm put off by people who do. I've been yelled at a lot at my current job for things I don't understand, but I don't think anymore that I'm leaving out of indignation or pride. I'm leaving because I think they feel trapped with me as an employee. I feel guilty that I'm not giving them the value they want.