caring particularly

My best friend is a girl I used to date.  And I'm sure that I particularly care about her.  In fact, I particularly care about her now more than I did when we were dating.  Partly because, after years of self reflection and growth, I have a greater capacity to care particularly.  And partly because, after years of her own self reflection and growth, she's even more particularly care aboutable.  But I'm not sure whether I've ever particularly cared for other girls I've had relationships with.  I was convinced of it at the time, for sure.  But did I actually particularly care about them, or did I just particularly care about being particularly cared about?  I don't know.

A related question. In these other relationships, I always seemed to be far more curious and forthcoming than they were. At the time, I thought that they were just afraid of being vulnerable or too emotionally crippled to even be aware of their own feelings. And I still think that's true, but it also seems like I was trying to suck the intimacy from their veins like some codependent Nosferatu. So I have to ask, were they, the ones who could establish and maintain socially acceptable and varying levels of intimacy, the emotional cripples? Or am I, the one who practically molests strangers with it, the one with the problem?  Again, I don't know.

But I recognize that I have a history of being involved with women who withhold intimacy. And that this is clearly me recreating the pattern of my relationship with my mother (go figure). And that I'm going to have to talk to her. And that the idea of trying to have a real intimate conversation with my mother is terrifying. I'm not afraid that she'll obfuscate or make ad hoc justifications. I'm not afraid that she'll be distant or dismissive or even angry. She certainly might be all of those. Really, I'm afraid that she just won't care. That I'll feel rushed to try to get out what I'm not even sure I'm trying to say before she has to rush off to get her hair done or something else that's more important. I'm afraid of telling her that I need something from her, because I'm afraid (as I always was) that I'm just a burden to her. I'm afraid that she doesn't particularly care about me.